trough the creepy door, confessions of Draco
by diatrif
Summary: It's the dairy of the Draco Malfoy. One-shot, wrote it for my brother as a book repot project and thought i'd give it to read. Hilarious! READ AND REVIEW


**July 29,Malfoy Manor 5:00 pm**

Father got back from jail. Supposed I should be happy, but…no. He doesn't allow me into his meeting, again. Who does he think I am? Some stupid, good-for –nothing, blonde bloke, who only looks good? Well, I do look incredible, but I'm more than just good looks. Just look at my quidditch records; I almost won with bloody scarhead this season. Not to mention my potions marks. But does my father care? NO!

All right let him have it his way, I'm going to the kitchen to make some houseelves bake their ears in the oven, it always helps.

**Kitchen 7:00 pm**

BORING!

I swear torturing houseelves is not as much fun as it used to.

Wonder what's the meeting about? Last time my father called his fellow Death Eaters, he got locked up and scarhead almost got killed (and I wasn't there, no I'm not missing that much fun again). And in my second year the basilisk was in my school and I didn't know about it, then there was the tournament-thingy and scarhead got chosen. Could you believe it? My own biological father didn't choose his own blood and flesh to show all those mudbloods what real wizards can do, no he didn't choose me. NO! The nerve of him. Hmmm…maybe I'm not his son after all. Yes that must be it! I knew it! I knew it from the beginning! Of course he's not my father, just look at him. I'm so much better looking than him; it's impossible that half of my genes came from him.

So that's why he acted this way, he was jealous. I'll show him that he had every reason to do so. Still want to know what that meeting is about.

**7:15 pm**

Uh-huh! I am a genus! I'll eavesdrop, that was so simple! How come I didn't think about it before?

**7:30 pm**

Didn't work! My father put few really painful charms on the door, almost burned my left buttock. How could he endanger the life of his own son, well half-son. Regardless, I'm suffering. He will pay! But first things first; got to find the way to find out what is the bloody meeting about? What's that? Extendable ears… foolproof eavesdropping…. know what others don't want you to know. Perfect! I'm going to buy it and get some anti-acne cream on the way home; I'm running out of it and saw a red spot on my nose this morning.

**Diagon Alley 9:00 pm**

Stupid, stupid, STUPID! Extendable Ears, the trademark of the Weasley twins joke shop. How could I forget/ no I couldn't forget, for to forget you have to know about it in the first place and why should I know about weasel tweets business plans? I mean person with my popularity has much more important stuff to care about. Doesn't matter I must know what father is planning. I'm going inside, or I should wear a disguise. Yes, I'll wear a disguise, as I cannot afford such humiliation. If somebody found out, my reputation will be ruined. Yes I must be disguised, but what will I wear? Better look around.

**9:20 pm**

Bloody hell, what is it? The best shopping alley in wizarding world and what? The only disguising charm you can find is fake-veela. Great, just great! Now I have to walk around wearing heels and a pink dress and butterflies in my hair, I look like Fleur. But I will not panic, I came here to buy those bloody ear-things, so I will buy them. The sooner the better! Now if I could just figure out how to get to that stupid shop without breaking any of my limbs?

Weasel tweets' store 10:30 pm 

Got there! Finally. I cannot imagine how Pansy can walk in those things; I must remember to buy her healing potion for her feet.

Where on earth are those ears? There they are! I'll buy…100 pairs for future. I'll NOT walk around dressed like a woman, ever again! Talking of which I feel funny. What time is it? Bloody hell, the charm is wearing off. I must flee before anyone recognizes me. Wait where is the counter? Found it! Must hurry I can feel my feet growing!

**Malfoy Manor 11:00 pm**

Philosopher Stone! That's what was the bloody meeting about. I was walking looking like a girl for two hours only to find out about this? I should've suspected this. Lucius is not my biological father of course he's not as brilliant as I am. Come to think about it, if he isn't my real father and he is a Malfoy than who am I? Not a Malfoy for sure?

**West wing, Malfoy Manor, My room, my bed 1:45 am**

Philosopher's Stone! Of course it is that thing that gives you the immorality and changes things to gold. But the last one was destroyed by the bloody scarhead in our first year, so how… Yes the father of mine restored it, how brilliant. Maybe we are related after all.

**Still my room, 1:50 am**

Can't sleep. Can't stop thinking about the Philosopher's Stone. Can't believe it my father is going to give it up to this half-dead tosser he works for. He is as thick as I suspected, I guess not all of us can be good-looking and smart at the same time like me.

Must steal the stupid thing, if anyone deserved this, it's me and I shall have it. I mean I couldn't possibly die and take away such beautiful and smart person from those people. They will probably die because of misery and poor girls they wouldn't have anyone to admire. Yes, I will steal the stone and be beautiful, rich, and happy forever. Then, the zombie snakeman will punish the man I foolishly thought was my father for so long and I will finally be free, without any posers trying to control me. Ha, that genius plan of mine deserves an evil laugh. Wait I don't have an evil laugh. But that's not a problem I shall make one. Beware of Draco Malfoy

Mwuahahaha! NO, no, no it so doesn't fit me. I'll stick to the smirk and death glare. smirks

How you like me now Lucius?

**Same place 1:55 am**

Now where does the poser keep the stone? That's hard; I can't think like a common imposter, I am a genius for Marlin's sake. Better ask a houseelf.

**Malfoy Manor great hall 2:00 am**

Hmmmm…Houseelves don't want to talk. Guess they are still offended by the whole burning-ears-in-the-oven thing. Gosh! They're so touchy. What am I paying them for?

What's that noise? It comes from my bedroom.

**My room 3:00 am**

Potter! Yes, Bloody Potter and company is in my room. Why? WHY? Why, I ask, Merlin hates me so much? Ok, there was too much flirting, conquer-the-world sort of plans, sneaking around Hogwarts after curfew, illegal magic practices, few traps on four-eyed scarhead and quite a list of ideas how to sack this old, muggle-loving creature named Dumbledore but hey he wouldn't punish me for it, would he? I mean I'm just doing al the stuff every normal teenage misunderstood evil genius would. Besides I don't think Merlin would appreciate it if I wasted such wonderful talents I happen to posses. But to address the matter at hand, two youngest weasels, Potty and mudblood are sitting on my bed now, looking at me with those ugly eyes of theirs.

Who let them in? What has the world come to? Malfoy cannot have peace at his own Manor for five minutes without being interrupted by some imposter who pretends to be his biological father, or his worst enemy. If I see one of those filthy houseelves, they will hang! But before I jump to conclusions I may as well enjoy such an opportunity. It is rare that you have a chance to torture four bloody Gryffindors of your worst nightmares without having to tear your robes. What shall I do first? Make weasel dance cancan or dress Potty in the tutu and then send their pictures to the Daily Prophet. That will be fun. Wait they're speaking. I knew Gryffindors weren't the brightest lot, but boy are they slow or what.

**July 30, Ron's room, The Burrow 10:00 am**

It's over, the hell is frozen I can feel it and the Armageddon is close. A Malfoy, Draco Malfoy spent a night at Weasleys' place. It's a nightmare, yes I'm dreaming, in few minutes I'll wake, up and everything will be over and the imposter will sue the producer of the dreaming charms I used and I'll be on the cover of the Daily Prophet. Yes, that's it.

**5 minutes later**

Not waking up.

**5 minutes later**

still dreaming

**10 minutes later**

NO! NO! NO! It's not a nightmare, I am in the filthy Burrow and now the ancient half-blind owl Weasley send upstairs attacks me. This bird is huge and bloody strong, too strong for his own good. Well, better go and it breakfast, I'm starving. Besides maybe one of the weasels' family will finally enlighten me and I'll know why I was bloody forced to come here.

Just looked at my reflection, I look terrible. I should start living calmer life, stress really is bad for my skin. Wonder if they have a tan charms, I'm too pale.

**Weasleys' kitchen 10:30 am**

Cannot believe it! Granger beat me again. Sort of, they knew about the Philosopher's Stone before me. And they want me to sneak into the Manor and take it from my father. I tried to point out that I tried it before, unsuccessfully though and that I can't count on the help from the inside as my servants are too bloody soft and will not speak to me. But she wouldn't believe me; she just looked at me blankly and asked why my servants are not speaking to me. As I lunched into the whole burning-the-ears-for-my-entertainment story, she almost slapped me. Almost, thankfully 'cause I will not tolerate another physical contact with mudblood, my cheek still hurts from the last time. However, weasel and Potty found the story amusing, which was really odd, but I stopped myself from throwing one of my famous witty remarks, as I figured it'd be nice to have an ally in such horrible situation. Then four-eyed, scarhead freak of nature explained to me their "plan". I swear, it seems like the entire Gryffindor population is not only slow but owns this unique talent to make easiest things bloody complicated, not to mention boring.

In the middle of explaining the stop-evil-half-zombie-from-getting-the-stone operation I turned off and started to look for something I could use in future to blackmail the idiots. Hey, it's not like I'll help them. So why should I pay attention?

**Weasleys' backyard 12:00 pm**

I AM HELPING THEM! Unbelievable, terrible, humiliatible (is humiliatible even a word? Doesn't matter you got the point). I cannot bare it; I'm helping save the world. What a shame. But what could I do? They had a picture of me in the pink dress and heels from the weasel tweets' joke shop. I knew the spell wore off before I noticed! And they threatened me that they'll send it to the Daily Prophet. I couldn't risk wizarding world to think I'm a transvestite or worse a male-veela. You know how it'd make me look in the dark circles? I'd never be able to conquer the world. Plus this has a good side, I just don't know it yet.

**Malfoy Manor, dungeon 11:30 pm**

How could it be? Mudblood knows more about imposter's mind than his own half-son. What a shame. Still only I can break the spells in this place. Come to think of it, it reminds me of the Snape's laboratory. Yeah it looks just like that laboratory, except my house doesn't smell like dragon guts and hundred-year-old werewolf fur, thankfully. If I smelled something like that one more time I'd die, no I don't speak figuratively it really smells worse than this oaf Hagrid's puke after Christmas Eve.

Why are they looking at me like that I know I'm incredibly handsome and blonde but one'd think that after 6 miserable years spend with me they'd be used to my good looks. No! The imposter build a new chamber and it's creepy. And I mean creepy, not like Malfoy-dark-arts-creepy but even creepier. I know it's hard to imagine, but it is creepier than Dobby's closet. It's all black and shiny, not that I complain black is my color and there is a picture of something painted in toxic-green thing.

"Bloody hell this picture is ugly, if I had a face like that I'd kill myself" I said, couldn't resist. Mudblood looked at me like I'm crazy, she was all pale and shaken, Potty looked dreadful, he was paler than Granger I was about to offer him my instant-tan potion, when the female weasel pointed at the creepy-face-thing. It looks like I'm slower than the whole dream team and friends; does this day will get any worse? I mean, it's nightmarish already, I got kidnapped, I slept in the Burrow, in weasel's room, I'm helping saving the world, I was caught running around Diagon Alley in pink dress and heels, _and _I am not as fast in spotting the bad things as scarhead and company. I was about to tell it all to my unwanted companions but the creepy-door sparkled and the face spat, yes spat this:

_**fortis venit in ,**_

_**etiamnunc nullus venit sicco**_

_**Sic caveo ut sententia vadum**_

_**sino dolens nex**_

Male Weasel asked, or should I say mumbled something that sounded like half a question, half a groan. Though his efforts were unnecessary, as I didn't understand him at all. But it seemed that the rest of the glory hunters understood hi _gryffinish, _well at least mudblood did. She looked at the creepy letters and said that it's Latin. Weasel, looked at me and said that I needed to translate it. I told him that I didn't pay attention during my Latin lessons, as I consider it a useless, long-dead form of gibberish and that I used this time to research all the ways how to start the plantations of the deadly tulips. He looked at me funny and laughed at my deadly tulips.

"How could tulips be deadly?" he laughed in my face. I wanted to shoe him how deadly they could be, but mudblood said something that shut even me up.

"came upon …beware…allow…painfully….violent death. Got it! It means that if we as much as open this doors, we'll be painfully killed"

"No, not again? Why can't we be rewarded? Why do we have to always be risking our lives? And couldn't it be a fast, painless death. NO! Always the tortures, curses, pain and stuff. WHY?" older Weasley complained, while Potty looked…bored. I believe the bloke, couldn't for once save us his I'm-a-hero act and act normal. ONCE, only once do I ask for much? He's in the mortal danger and he's giving me the I'm-so-bored-of-saving-the-world face. Come on!

I wanted to suggest that we get out of there before we get fried, but they forced me to stay with them. You know, reminding me of how I'd be doomed after that picture will go public is really good form of persuasion. So we opened the creepy door and went inside only to see…my plantation of the deadly tulips. In your face weasel!

But they seemed, kind of bigger and more poisonous. One even tried to bite me, that's how they thank me for all the hours I spend watering and feeding them. I'll remember to never trust flowers again! But the female weasel and Potty grabbed me before the ungrateful weed could sink its nasty teeth in my bountiful flesh. I think I start to like them. Did I just write that? No, it's Ok that's just the side effect of the brushing with death. Yes, I'm just tired.

Anyways after what seemed hours we found a way around these pink plants. Really imposter is thicker than I thought he was, he put a road on the edges of the plantation, how dumb is that? That's official, he's too stupid to be my biological father, we are definitively not related.

"I found it" squeaked the young weasel. "It's so…shiny"

"Give it to me Gin!" Potty told her

"No, I want to hold it. Just for a minute" female redhead made a puppy face and Potty fell for it. Can't believe it, he's even dumber than the imposter.

"Alright-y then!" Hermione said "everyone mount your broom, I see a hole above".

"A hole? A HOLE? So we were walking for bloody miles, when we could just get here trough the hole?" I yelled at her. Geez, and she's the smartest witch in our year?

**Burrow, July 31, 3:00 pm**

I think I like saving the world. It's much more exciting than making plans to conquer the world. But what I do not like is to be invited to the scarhead's birthday party. So we saved the world together, what's the big deal? He's doing it all the time. But I'll never do it again; it's not worth it. I prefer to be evil if I am going to be forced to spend even more time with Dream Team after every hero-action. But what's done is done and now I have to buy him a present. World has come to an end, it's over. Draco Malfoy is going shopping for Potter's birthday present.

**Diagon Alley 3:10 pm**

It's even worse; I'm going shopping for Potter's birthday present _with _Weasley's younger sister. I'm such a disgrace for the dark side.

**10 minutes later**

I think I like this girl. She's all right. She stole the piece of the Philosopher's Stone before we gave it back to an old prat, Dumbledore. She's something. Plus she knows what we should buy for Potter.

**Burrow 5:00 pm**

Got the present. I'm not staying for the party though. There's going to be whole Gryffindors population and half of Hogwarts, and if any of those people saw me there my reputation will be ruined. Can't afford that. I'll leave the present on the chair.

I'm going home. Buh-bye.

"MALFOY!" I heard scarhead scream before I flooed myself back to the Manor. Oops! Think he didn't like the present. He's got no taste! I think these hot pink leather pants will suit his idiotic nature. Well, as I said I'm too intelligent for common people to understand me. Speaking of common people I need to take care of the imposter! I will not let my not-father run around the Manor like that, unsupervised. Where did I put this copy of _How to Get Rid of People You Hate in 10 Minutes?_


End file.
